December 2023 featured Article
Avoiding the Christmas Triangle
The sound of wrapping paper ripping and kids gasping in excitement filled the basement of our home. Grandparents had paired up with each of my kids to feign shock and excitement at the gifts that were being opened. My wife scurried around picking up wrapping paper and torn-apart toy boxes, filling up numerous trash bags as I did what dads do best — assembled toys as fast as possible and put no less than two dozen batteries in various electronics and noise makers.
Another Christmas morning in the Arnold home.
As the chaos began dying down, I was keeping an eye on the gift we told our oldest daughter she had to open last. I knew what was in the box — a pair of shoes she had wanted for a long time — and I wanted to see her reaction. Because for at least the preceding two months, she had done her best to find out if she was getting them by doing what kids do best.
Triangulation.
She would come to me and drop hints about the shoes, but I kept my best poker face. When she couldn’t get me to break, she would lie in wait for her mom to be alone and try again with her. Little does she know that her parents love nothing more than Christmas surprises and would go to our grave before either one of us would crack.
This is something I’ve noticed that kids do instinctively. Whether it’s a Christmas gift, conflict with a sibling, or disappointment with one parent or another, they revert to an age-old tactic. Rather than keeping the issue between just the two people who are involved, a parent, a sibling, a grandparent, or a friend becomes a third party in the drama, isolated from the others in hopes of accomplishing what the child wants. If Mom says no, go to Dad and talk about Mom’s bad mood. If a sibling does something they don’t like, go to Mom and seek intervention. If Dad enforces discipline, call a grandparent to get sympathy and relief. If a friend hurts their feelings, go to another friend to seek validation and rally the troops.
There’s something else I’ve learned about triangulation. Adults do it, too. Christian adults, pastors, and church leaders do it a lot. We are the kids in the story.
But should we be?
The New Testament makes the answer quite clear with a resounding “no.” Much ink has been spilled about Matthew 18, where Jesus says that if I have been sinned against, I should not triangulate by bringing other people in until I have first gone directly to my brother. In Matthew 5, the bar is even lower in that if I simply know my brother has something against me, I should go directly to him and not involve others in the issue. In each of those teachings, despite their different applications, Jesus is consistent on his desire that our issues be handled directly and without involving others in the first attempts to bring resolution. The classic story of Mary and Martha underscores this in a way that often gets overlooked in our study of that interaction when Martha tries to triangulate Jesus, saying, “Don’t you care?! Tell her to help me!” Rather than going directly to Mary, Martha tries to get Jesus to act on her behalf. Jesus doesn’t take the bait and goes on to teach her that maybe — just maybe — the way she sees it isn’t as correct and right as she thinks. Maybe there’s more to the story.
Galatians 6:1-3 then cuts straight to the bottom line, bringing even more understanding to the heart behind Jesus’ teachings in Matthew 5 and 18. In each of those, the goal is not punishment or even discipline. The goal for us should be reconciliation and winning back the brother. But is that usually our heart? Is our heart broken for the person (or the church) if we truly believe they are in the wrong?
In Galatians 6:1-3, we see the heart that we should have when we perceive any kind of wrongdoing in another — whether it is against us or simply in general.
“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.”
My goal, and yours, should be restoring the person who is in the wrong and doing so gently. My heart should not be motivated by seeking to have thrown out or removed everything (and everyone) that I perceive as wrong, but I should be broken by what I see to the point of wanting to bear that burden with them. And I can’t bear my brother’s burden if I avoid talking to him about it, choosing instead to talk about him to others.
This tears any relationship apart, and it tears the Church apart, too. I’ve seen leaders do this, instructing those they lead to come only to them with problems rather than to each other or by holding meetings with separate groups in an effort to control who knows what. I’ve seen pastors attack other pastors without ever having a direct conversation to try to restore gently or bear their brother’s burden. I’ve seen churches criticized by other churches without any attempt to win the brother(s) back. I’ve seen regional directors (and presidents) demanded to take action against a leader without the one making demands considering what gentle restoration would look like or attempting to do so personally and privately, opting instead for rallying troops and compiling evidence.
I’ve seen a lot of triangles.
This leads to disunity, distraction, distrust, and a great loss of mission. I imagine my Father in heaven feels like I do when my children come to me attempting to triangulate in hopes of seeing their sibling punished (and therefore hurt) rather than trying to personally help their sibling.
The mission we are called to accomplish is too great for this. Of course, there are times and situations that demand immediate action, and the Bible makes those clear. However, I would argue anecdotally that those make up a very small portion of the concerns we have with each other. In nearly every case of perceived transgression of a pastor, church, church member, or fellow Christ follower, our first step is to be one-on-one. To not do so, plainly put, is almost always sin.
I’ve challenged our national staff, the Ministry Leadership Council, and the General Oversight Council to join me in committing together to not allow this in the culture of the Missionary Church. I’ve asked them to join me in being disciplined in responding to concerns that come our way with one simple question, “How did it go when you talked to him/her/them about that?” And if there was no conversation, then we will coach and support and hold accountable how to do so.
I challenge you to do the same. The enemy would love nothing more than to distract us and divide us. But let’s not allow that. When someone comes to you with a concern, criticism, accusation, or even a question about someone else or another church or ministry, before anything else, let’s point them to a biblical response with the simple question, “How did it go when you talked to them about it?”
The result will be beautiful. I saw it in a very small way on my daughter’s face that Christmas morning. The joy she had in that moment was far greater than the satisfaction she would have received had she been successful in her triangulation.
The joy for us when we win our brother back or see a brother gently restored will also be far greater. The mission will advance, and the enemy will be pushed back.
The triangles will be no more.